Today

Everyone asked me how I was feeling about today, or they wanted to know how I thought I would feel. I said I didn't know. I've never done this before. We met a few minutes before and went in together. We had the option of sitting at separate tables or at the same table. We sat at the same table, with a microphone between us. I lost my voice a few times and the judge asked me to repeat my answer. Like before, we answered "yes" to everything. The court recorder stared at me or rather through me as she typed. The officer sitting near the judge kept nodding at me in encouragement or reassurance I'm not sure. I didn't know how I would feel. When we walked out I started to cry. I mean tears streaming down my face, hands shaking. I walked to a quiet spot and stayed there for a few minutes looking out towards the lake and then towards the capitol. How do I feel? I feel disappointed. I feel loss and like I have lost. like I have failed somehow and come in last. I feel like I've taken a hard hit and had the wind knocked out of me or losing pressure, like how the air slowly seeps out of some tiny crease, unseen but felt. I feel like this is life, sometimes.