Hello

I am feeling more present lately and like I have found some sort of steady ground. Something has happened in the past several months. People have come and gone in my life, some have stayed some have packed up in the middle of the night and never called again. Major shifts of continents and a sea change. I could go on saying that I never thought I would be here, not like this. But I am, so what is the point in drawing that out. Funny how the universe provides if we're open and honest with ourselves. I'm so grateful for my friends both new and old. I'm still dumbstruck and surprised by the fact that I matter to anyone. I realize how that sounds... like my self worth must be quite low. I don't think that is it so much but rather the fact that I think I have lived most of my life taking the easy way, just getting by and not feeling like I was accountable to anyone else. Suddenly I see I matter. People meet me and remember my name. They may say "hello" or ask me how I have been. Every gesture, every spoken word, every acknowledgement both received and given is a reminder that we are all here in this together and I am so thankful to be here now with you all, including those who have let me down and those who have helped me pick myself up when I needed someone. I've realized that it isn't only our friends or positive influences in our lives who teach us about life and about ourselves... it's also the people who come into our lives and maybe break our hearts a little (or a lot) that provide a wealth of insight. I think I've finally figured out what my dad meant all those times he told me that "life isn't fair" in response to my righteous declaration that (something) wasn't fair (whatever it was). Mistreated or misunderstood, left alone without any explanation, being mislead, breaking vows, using harsh words... All the ways that we can be hurt or hurt others, there's a mountain of resentment and disappointment if you let it build up. So when my dad told me that life isn't fair, he really meant... Sometimes things happen without explanation or reason. Sometimes things happen whether we want them or expect them to or not. Sometimes people hurt us or we hurt them and there are no answers no matter how strongly we feel that not having answers "isn't good enough" or that we are "owed an explanation or something for our hurt." We are owed more... we owe it to ourselves to accept that sometimes life isn't fair and there aren't any answers or explanations one could offer in order to make things right - to heal... and that is where acceptance comes in. Living in the present, is accepting the good and bad. That is a vow I make to myself. For better or worse, I am here now.