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Now I understand the meaning of "ignorance is bliss." Sometimes it's better not knowing what might hurt you. Lately (as in most of my life) I've been committing emotional harakiri and playing Joan of Arc. Have I been so disgraced? Did I hear the voice of God? Is it possible that I use other people as an excuse to feel bad? Am I continually playing out some childhood fear of abandonment and inability to be loved? (Sorry mom and dad, maybe you loved me too much). That would explain my pattern of getting involved in unrequited relationships. It occurred to me a few days ago that maybe I actually enjoy misery and this maudlin talk.

I thought about all the changes that have come about in my life lately and how the point of everything was that I would be happier or at least on my way to feeling whole. A few days ago I was sitting on the edge of my bed when it hit me like a shotgun backfiring on a bruised shoulder. I'm just as unhappy now as I was then. So maybe it's actually me... Maybe I'm the cause of my misery. I talk a lot about taking responsibility for one's self... and the idea that no one can hurt you unless you let them. I tell myself I live this way and yet I continually do things that make me feel bad and then blame someone else for being the jerk. I opened my eyes this morning and before I made a move I thought "Is this what I want: to do something/see something/read something that might make me hurt?" The answer was... no, and then I got up.