Knot theory

Am I laughable? That is to say, am I a fool? Probably. At least some of the time I'm sure. I am excitable. I think sometimes I never grew out of that wide-eyed childhood stage of wonder and wondering. It seems to get more pronounced with age. Is it fearlessness or misplaced optimism? I don't know how to be any other way, should I ever try to change. I'm tired of wondering if there is something wrong with me. I changed my hair again, pierced my nose and inked my skin. A coworker commented "you are always in a state of flux." "Yes of course" I thought "aren't we all in a state of flux." I know he was commenting on my physical appearance, which is true enough, but isn't that what it means to be alive? Even in the stillness there is constant inconsistency. Nature is not perfect. Nothing is perfect. Including me, including us. Including those few moments when everything seems to fit so nicely. "Seems." I wake up alone. I tiptoe around my apartment because the floor is cold, and I bristle at the thought of disturbing my neighbor with heavy footfall over his head. I don't want to disrupt anyone's peace. The look on your face today made me sad. I wanted to say something to make it ok, to make your face soften and relax. I could have quoted silly song lyrics "why the long face?" But like a silent movie your eyes flashed a warning telling me not to say anything, and so I didn't speak except to mumble a few words in spare change. I am afraid sometimes, to even breathe. It seems like when I finally gather the courage, I end up knocking all the seeds off the dandelion stem. In one forceful blow, all of me parachutes into the wind. Scattering and sowing small scenes on the body of my history. I have a violin. I haven't practiced in two years. The awful sound it makes hurts my ears and I think it must be unpleasant for other people to hear. I think it's ridiculous to have this beautiful instrument and never attempt to play or learn to play, out of fear or hesitancy. Lately, there are a lot of things I never thought I would do that I have done. Some good, some bad. But I tell myself not to think of life in those terms. Nothing is ever good or bad, it just is. I just am. Back out at sea, the waves are violent and the sky is stormy, and I'm tying knots in everything. Wrapping my arms around myself. Hold tight. Stand still. Knot theory.

"Drop a bell off of the dock.
Blot it out in the sea.
Drowning mute as a rock;
Sounding mutiny."
-joanna newsom lyrics/sawdust and diamonds