Saudade solastalgia

"Is There an Ecological Unconscious?"-nytimes.com

I remember my year spent living in Brooklyn and how displaced I felt surrounded by concrete and steel. I would walk to the Promenade, stand at the rail and watch the heavy stream of traffic rush beneath me, wondering where everyone was going and if anyone would take me with them. I finally moved to spend a summer in upstate NY where I watched fawn and fox play in the field that was my backyard. That summer was a long deep breath and exhale, a much needed return to what I feel sustains me. Brambles and pine, redbuds and dogwoods blooming. When I close my eyes I see red earth and slate with smooth curves gently carved by summer rains, metamorphic rock that is born through change, a change that comes to me through the shifting scenery, the direction of the wind. I grew up in a small town in Oklahoma that was called my home. But it never felt like home, only a place with familiar faces and recognizable street names. Eventually I ended up in Madison. I haven't decided if this feels like home yet... When I think of home I think of somewhere I have never been. I feel the lonely absence of something I have never known and the painful displacement from a place I have never been. Saudade solastalgia. Does it even exist?