simple twist of fate

this song will forever make me think of paris and...


here i am listening to it on the train to paris from aix en provence.
i never would have imagined the stories it would tell in my life.

from last summer.... "4:03 a.m."

The green apple light glows the time, 10:58pm. It appears as a fact, solid and true before the numbers shift, 10:59pm. Lying in bed, I turn my head and close my eyes to the light still left in the room. My body expands in its dissolving resolve. I am turned down and weak kneed, unraveling at the core as the liminal horizon draws near. I think if I am not careful I could become trapped here, until possibly pushed out by the upswell of dreams. "Give in, give in" my needs beg of my reasoning half. If trapped let it be for all the pulsing sounds plucking at heartstrings, and splintered boats swept up at sea. We find ourselves suddenly brave in the unexpected storm; eager to save ourselves, each other in the heartbeat moment just before… Lightning streaks and I awake to traces of you. Ghost trails, faint wisps of hair, arcing spine, silhouette of a face. I turn to my side. Pulling the sheet tight to my chest, I ask the storm to leave. I bargain, making promises that lose their retention as they evaporate at the first blush of morning heat. The sound of a jet engine gaining speed fills my left ear. I have trouble returning to sleep, half believing the storm was conceived by the forced separation of each elemental charge carried on skin and buried in dreams; born of me, mother of electricity in atmospheric form. The only thing to do is wait until the light of morning to take the damage in; then I will pick through through the blooms of destruction strewn across the yard. In the near distance a sudden shuffling burst, a chorus of migrating birds pushed off course en route to their winter destination, now sing as companions shepherding me into the autumn months ahead. Tree limbs bent and broken, splay across the narrowing path, forcing retreat for now. Sparking cells settling, extinguishing with each breath. The baying reverberations grow soft and dim as they roll over my shoulder and sink in the weak spot behind my knees. I lie awake and wait. The clock reads 4:03am.

at night

tattoo

on sunday may 31st. i got a tattoo. my first tattoo. it's a fern on my left ribcage. i expected that it would hurt like hell. but it wasn't that bad. even on my ribcage which is practically just a thin layer of skin and all bone at this point. it still didn't hurt that bad. then again i also have a pretty high tolerance for pain. anyways. i absolutely LOVE it. i was glowing after it was done. Ferns can grow most anywhere...

"Fern species live in a wide variety of habitats, from remote mountain elevations, to dry desert rock faces, to bodies of water or in open fields. Ferns in general may be thought of as largely being specialists in marginal habitats, often succeeding in places where various environmental factors limit the success of flowering plants... There are four particular types of habitats that ferns are found in: moist, shady forests; crevices in rock faces, especially when sheltered from the full sun; acid wetlands including bogs and swamps; and tropical trees, where many species are epiphytes..."

and on my body.

t e r r i f i c

There are times when I feel like I've woken up from a dream.
Sometimes pleasant, sometimes a nightmare - but all the while not real...
a dream. So this is living.
After all, after everything... this is life.

Now I know I can deal with that. Now I know I don't know much of
anything at all, and it's "terrific" in the sense that it's both
terrifying and wonderful. Such a funny word for such a powerful meaning.

noise

It's so strange... how quiet it gets here in summer. Just when the weather turns warm and I expect the streets to be full of rowdy students, all of them leave. When I think all I want is quiet suddenly I have it and find myself feeling lonely, a little left behind in the crowd, like that time I was eight and woke up to an empty house and panicked wondering where my parents had gone. Another year in this college town, another graduation, another season of late sunsets and box fans sitting in windows drowning out what little noise is being made by the families, workers and summer students who didn't go home.

the specifics

i haven't been paying attention to the news lately. today i read an article about an awful crime. one of countless going on right now and having gone on and will continue to go on. it wasn't worth it to read that article. to learn of the crime. nothing changed. no good came of it. it just hurt and made me question the human race. but despite what i read and what everyone says i know it isn't all bad. there's some good going on right now. some good that has gone on, and will continue to go on. there is so much. so much of everything. i don't need to read the news to know that. maybe it's better i don't read it for awhile. stay away from the specifics.