That whole "journey" thing & painting

The oppressive summer heat has returned; Which means I'm painting. Which is to say I'm delving deep into the dark crevices of my psyche. I'm no painter. I just like playing with colors. I'm not being humble here, just honest.  I like to layer, but only because when I sit down to paint I have no idea what I'm going to come up with, I'm wandering through splotches of color. My greatest fear in painting is to paint something that looks like it should be hung in an office, hotel or sold at a second hand store (and I'm not talking about the bad stuff that's so awesome you have to have it). When I feel myself veering into this cringe worthy territory I do something drastic (like take my hand and swipe it over the wet paint, blurring it out with more color until I have a "new canvas.") I get more frustrated as I go along, and deeper I go into those dark places of fear and loathing.  A friend recently told me something I've heard before. "It's not the destination, it's the journey." Most everyone is familiar with those small words of encouragement. It's a fitting reminder for any kind of discouraging situation, and I suppose it's true enough. But it made me think about my own journey, that big great and sometimes terrible life journey, which has been more of a state of senseless wandering and sporadic episodes of fitful progress or digression (the latter seems to be more of a common state for me).  What I'm trying to say is that I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time, and when I reach this realization I panic and try to do something, anything to find peace of mind. Usually I'm able to convince myself that I'm "okay" and making the "right" decisions for my life...that my wandering is more of a stream of consciousness kind of approach to life rather than taking aimless strokes on a canvas with an increasingly thick layer of paint.  These words of consolation have become less reassuring with age.  Which reminds me, I'm running out of paint. Paint isn't cheap, at least not the kind I prefer to work (play) with.  I am learning though, that if I let the layers dry between dabs and swipes I use less paint, the colors are more true and it's a little easier to navigate what I'm wandering through.